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If you fancy a fight with a doorman then hurry yourself along there post-haste.Not like you crazy kids.Think I'll go and talk to them and see what they've got to say about life." Never will you hear these words pass our lips: "Oh for fuck's sake, not another bunch of tedious cunts.Where TO stay, all the words in bold in this section are links to the hotels websites, by the way: youd best click them.Don't know about you, but every time we see one of those smashing groups of people, we always think, "Hmm.Hats off to these champions of industry: theyre what makes Britain Great.Plus, well tell you what's HOT and what's NOT, using the very latest research from our terminally angry reporters.Theyre full of po-faced miseries like us, who have ambitions no loftier than a nice few pints and decent conversation, and would never dare to scale the dizzy heights of drunken indecent exposure or pizza-clutching doorway fellatio.There is also a box for any special requirements you may have.
Sure, there are other neighbourhoods in town, but you, really, really dont want to go to them.
Don't make us do every thing for you.
The Burglar's Dog Stag Hen Party Special the ball and chain: original and amusing, people from all over the nation send us e-mails.
Hope they burn the twat alive." And those racy little nametags on hen nights!
What else do you want from us, for fuck's sake?Lets hear it for Anorexic Angie, Brenda, Cum-on-my-curtains Caroline, Desperate-to-diet Debs, Egotistical Oestrogen-deprived Evonne, Fiona, Gargantuan-Gunted Glenda.What the Irish call "the craic".Realising youre an absolute cunt and a total pain in the arsehole.and, nOT, bacchanalia, unsolicited displays of genitalia, being in any way visible.What are we, like: uninstall calendar creator 9 the frigging tourist board?Only laughing at things that are actually amusing.Get them right and we might not kill you; get them wrong and youll be nailed to a plank and floated up the Tyne.Leaving your suitcases all over the floor in ONeills.